Things I am not and will never be
1. A model.
2. Skinny like a model.
4. Patient like Caill0u's mother. Or any of the adults on that
godforsaken show. They are calm, patient and loving even when I (or any
real-life parent, I suspect) would be shrieking like a crazed harpy.
They’d probably just laugh warmly and say “Oh, Call0u!” if he
accidentally set off a nuke.
6. Someone who cooks each meal from scratch using only wholesome organic
ingredients. ("Just whip up a couple of batches over the weekend!"
Bitch, please. You are obviously married and/or have household help.
Or you have a child that takes three-hour naps. Or all of the above.)
7. Good at going to bed early. We’ve been having some two-year-old
sleep regression at Casa Plus One, and by the time she’s down, I have so
little time to myself that I am reluctant to go to bed. I need to get
over that. Sleep = health = really, really important.
Speaking of #7, yawn.