Friday, May 25, 2012
There's a single mom out there in the SMC-verse who's trying for #2. She's hopeful and excited and I'm glad for her.
I am also a jealous, seething, green-eyed bitch about it. I can disguise my envy in a number of ways-- she could barely afford the first one, how the hell's she going to afford the second when she lives on the razor's edge financially as it is-- but those are just fancy words to cover up the fact that I am flat-out stone-cold jealous.
Because she can try for #2. She has embryos on ice from when she was younger, and an FET is a fraction of the cost of an IVF, plus you've got a direct sibling of your existing child. I basically got one good egg, and that's my Elle.
I should note that she is one damn fine egg, and I am blessed and lucky and proud. But because I started so late, even on megadoses of drugs, I got few eggs and only one that was viable. You do this younger, you end up with embryos to freeze, and then you can take all the time you need (relatively) to figure out when you want them popped in there. Heck, they're your biological child; you can even pop them into someone else, if you have the money.
All the money in the world isn't going to help my over-45 eggs do anything productive. Even if I could afford the medical bills to get there, not to mention afford all the expenses of a second child.
I had a very vivid dream last night about finding out I was pregnant with #2-- vivid enough that I remember it, which I usually don't. I remember, in the dream, worrying about various things relative to another child. But mostly, I remember feeling really happy.
I am, usually, at peace with having just one. I have an only child of an only child of an only child, actually: three generations of total brats, one could argue. :) (Although my father is totally not a brat.) Emotionally and financially, I don't think I'm young or strong enough to parent more than one.
I have my miracle. I am so grateful. But that doesn't stop me wishing.