I'm stuck at home this beautiful Saturday morning, waiting for the meter reader (and when they say "between 8 and noon," I'm expecting him at 11:58), so I'm using the time to putter around the house. And, apparently, blog.
Quick thoughts before moving on to some articles that have appeared recently...
The last few weeks of pregnancy appear designed to:
1. Make you long to go into labor.
2. Make you not really care exactly how they get this baby out of you. C-section? Bring it on! Right now! Don't even wait for anaesthesia, doctor!
3. Make you appreciate your pre-third-trimester bladder capacity, however tiny it might have been at the time.
Enough said.
***
There have been a rash of articles lately about donor conception, based on a study done by the Commission for Parenthood's Future. The survey has concluded some very negative things about donor-conceived children, including confusion, depression, and other problems. (They also find an increased amount of issues with adopted children.)
There are problems with the survey. The organization that did the survey is a conservative group (including being anti-same sex marriage, and thinking climate change is bunk), so the possibility of survey bias is certainly there. People on one of my discussion lists have pointed out numerous issues with the survey itself, including how the survey sample was chosen (self-selected, rather than random), no control group used, the structure of the questions themselves, etc. Even to a stats amateur such as myself, there seems to be smoke and mirrors going on there.
After all, facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.
Even if you write off the survey organization themselves as hacks, though, it's worth considering the information, and the effect your choices have on your offspring. Do I think it's ideal to raise my daughter as a single mother? I do not. And, for the record, I have not given up the hope of finding a partner to share my life with, and to hopefully be a father figure for my child. (I don't think I'll give up on hoping for a partner even if I'm old and toothless in a nursing home, thanks.)
But for now, it's her and me. I hope I can rear her to be smart and confident, and to understand that however she was conceived, it was with a whole lot of love. I'm also going to make sure she meets other kids in similar family situations; I'm trying to stay active in my local single mom group for that reason. (It's also good support for me!) Families are all different shapes and sizes, and just like I want her growing up knowing people of all genders, races, ages, etc. and thinking that's completely normal, I want her growing up seeing that "family" is not a one size fits all definition.
Now, I'm using an "open ID donor," so I've made a choice that will allow my daughter to initiate contact with her donor once she's 18. I don't expect that this will make everything perfect, of course, but she'll know that I didn't close that door for her. (And, unlike one of the authors of the study, I will always be honest with my child about the circumstances of her conception. The truth will always out, whether it be donors or adoption, and secrets destroy. You just can't lie to kids.)
I'd love to see a rigorously conducted and peer-reviewed study on donor-conceived children of single parents (along the lines of the recent survey that showed children of lesbian parents have done extremely well-- look at the construction of that research vs. the CPF survey). (Note-- this link also provides info on the donor conception survey I'm discussing.) I'd like this very much.
But until we get that, I'm going to read the less-rigorous surveys for the information, but take them with a very large, and very crunchy, grain of salt.
Showing posts with label donor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label donor. Show all posts
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Balloon or pincushion? You decide.
I'm on day four of meds, day three of stims, and so far the only side effect is that my lower belly has puffed up like the proverbial balloon. It's a balloon with little needle marks on it, in fact. It's fascinating. Actually, it would be more fascinating if it wasn't my belly.
There don't seem to be many other side effects. I seem to be more light-headed than usual, although there's been a lot of work stress this week, and that may have something to do with it. I'm probably imagining things when I think that I can feel my ovaries working hard. I am extremely sensitive to medication (I generally only have to take one of anything, even if the recommended dose is two), though, so maybe it's not entirely my imagination.
I had my first post-meds ultrasound this morning, and there are some follicles growing, but of course it's too early to know what will happen. I go back Friday, then probably again Monday. If things do progress, retrieval will probably be middle or late next week.
Is it wrong that I'm looking forward more to the day off work than I am to the retrieval itself?
It's been a rough week.
** **
I did indeed have to give myself medicine in an airport bathroom, too. I never thought I'd be shooting up somewhere like that, but I suppose the fact that it's legally prescribed medication makes it OK.
It was still extraordinarily bizarre. I felt like I was in some kind of bad Lifetime movie. Maybe Valerie Bertinelli (pre-bikini) could play me, and then there could be a tearful courtroom scene at the end where she/I explained that I was shooting up in the bathroom stall for a good cause. And then I'd be acquitted and end up smooching some cute guy. (I'm not sure what cute guys star in Lifetime movies these days.)
The actual shooting up isn't so bad. The needles are small. Smallish, anyway. They don't get big until later. I've also started icing the skin a bit, and that seems to help-- psychologically, if nothing else.
IVF isn't for lightweights, let me tell you. This is not a lot of fun. But it's still a privilege, and I shouldn't be complaining about how my diamond shoes are too tight. I'm lucky, and I know it.
** **
Because I know everyone's just fascinated with all this stuff, let me just say that I had a donor all picked out-- finally-- and got the paperwork filed today so I could order tomorrow.
He's RETIRED. No more. Off the market. What? Hello? He was available LAST NIGHT. It took me forever to pick him. I liked him, I finally picked him, and he's gone. This is not fair.
I moved over to a different bank and now have three possibilities. Talk about power shopping... All are normal looking, tall, seem to be fairly smart, have decent family medical histories, and don't appear to be serial killers.
It's such a crap shoot. My pool is also limited-- you should forgive the pun-- by the fact that I want to use a donor that's willing to be identifiable. If I was going with anonymous, my choices would be endless. Far fewer men choose the ID donor option. I don't know if I blame them, frankly, but it means that my choices are far, far less.
I considered going anonymous, but... no. That's not for me. And as long as I can find donors that meet my requirements in the identifiable pool, that's where I'll stay.
There don't seem to be many other side effects. I seem to be more light-headed than usual, although there's been a lot of work stress this week, and that may have something to do with it. I'm probably imagining things when I think that I can feel my ovaries working hard. I am extremely sensitive to medication (I generally only have to take one of anything, even if the recommended dose is two), though, so maybe it's not entirely my imagination.
I had my first post-meds ultrasound this morning, and there are some follicles growing, but of course it's too early to know what will happen. I go back Friday, then probably again Monday. If things do progress, retrieval will probably be middle or late next week.
Is it wrong that I'm looking forward more to the day off work than I am to the retrieval itself?
It's been a rough week.
** **
I did indeed have to give myself medicine in an airport bathroom, too. I never thought I'd be shooting up somewhere like that, but I suppose the fact that it's legally prescribed medication makes it OK.
It was still extraordinarily bizarre. I felt like I was in some kind of bad Lifetime movie. Maybe Valerie Bertinelli (pre-bikini) could play me, and then there could be a tearful courtroom scene at the end where she/I explained that I was shooting up in the bathroom stall for a good cause. And then I'd be acquitted and end up smooching some cute guy. (I'm not sure what cute guys star in Lifetime movies these days.)
The actual shooting up isn't so bad. The needles are small. Smallish, anyway. They don't get big until later. I've also started icing the skin a bit, and that seems to help-- psychologically, if nothing else.
IVF isn't for lightweights, let me tell you. This is not a lot of fun. But it's still a privilege, and I shouldn't be complaining about how my diamond shoes are too tight. I'm lucky, and I know it.
** **
Because I know everyone's just fascinated with all this stuff, let me just say that I had a donor all picked out-- finally-- and got the paperwork filed today so I could order tomorrow.
He's RETIRED. No more. Off the market. What? Hello? He was available LAST NIGHT. It took me forever to pick him. I liked him, I finally picked him, and he's gone. This is not fair.
I moved over to a different bank and now have three possibilities. Talk about power shopping... All are normal looking, tall, seem to be fairly smart, have decent family medical histories, and don't appear to be serial killers.
It's such a crap shoot. My pool is also limited-- you should forgive the pun-- by the fact that I want to use a donor that's willing to be identifiable. If I was going with anonymous, my choices would be endless. Far fewer men choose the ID donor option. I don't know if I blame them, frankly, but it means that my choices are far, far less.
I considered going anonymous, but... no. That's not for me. And as long as I can find donors that meet my requirements in the identifiable pool, that's where I'll stay.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
A long week
Spent a lovely evening with a friend, playing with her adorable baby, eating Thai food, and catching up on gossip. It was a nice end to a long day.
The day started with saline ultrasound #2, to follow up on the hysteroscopy. FYI, the second SU was no more fun than the first. ::sigh::
On the plus side, they're going to document exactly what they did that finally worked. If they need to do one again, they can go straight to a working solution rather than having me legs-up for 25 minutes.
And that's all I'll say on that, much to everyone's relief.
My doctor's out until next week. I go out of town next Wednesday night, so I'm a little antsy; at my age, every cycle I miss is a problem. If I am going to go straight to IVF, though, I should be able to at least start the medication protocol fairly soon and could potentially have an IVF cycle as soon as September. Hey, if I'm going to lose my coverage, start now-- I will probably only be able to get 1, possibly 2 cycles in before I lose my coverage, so I should do it while I can.
A couple of other things I've made decisions on:
The day started with saline ultrasound #2, to follow up on the hysteroscopy. FYI, the second SU was no more fun than the first. ::sigh::
On the plus side, they're going to document exactly what they did that finally worked. If they need to do one again, they can go straight to a working solution rather than having me legs-up for 25 minutes.
And that's all I'll say on that, much to everyone's relief.
My doctor's out until next week. I go out of town next Wednesday night, so I'm a little antsy; at my age, every cycle I miss is a problem. If I am going to go straight to IVF, though, I should be able to at least start the medication protocol fairly soon and could potentially have an IVF cycle as soon as September. Hey, if I'm going to lose my coverage, start now-- I will probably only be able to get 1, possibly 2 cycles in before I lose my coverage, so I should do it while I can.
A couple of other things I've made decisions on:
- Timeline. I'm going to be as aggressive as I can on IVF this calendar year, while it's still covered. As of 1/1, I can still do IUI (assuming my new insurance company isn't a bunch of arseholes about me being single, which is entirely possible), so given that the IVF probably won't work, I'll start right up with the IUI when 1/1 rolls around.
If nothing's caught-- so to speak-- by spring, I'm done and move to adoption. My odds decrease enormously each and every month. If it hasn't worked by then, the odds are overwhelmingly that it isn't going to work at all, and it's time to move on. I'll have given this a good shot, I will know I did my best, and I will move on before I am physically and financially in a bad position. - Donor: I've decided to go with a donor who's willing to be identifiable, and contacted after the child reaches a certain age. Of course, this all will probably be moot when I don't get pregnant. But if I do, I've decided this is the right route for me.
I can't possibly judge anyone else for their decision on this-- it's incredibly personal. For me, though, I feel strongly that this is a choice I can give my child. He or she may never have any interest in contact with their donor; after all, the donor will be just that; they won't be a dad, just a donor. But if my theoretical child does want contact, and I've chosen an anonymous donor, then I've taken that choice away from him/her, leaving them no recourse. I can't do that.
I feel so passionately about choice. This is a choice I have absolute power over, and I choose to leave things as open as I can.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Choice
I realized this past weekend that my mother is possibly obsessed with my selection of a sp*erm donor. I don't know this for sure, of course, but the fact that she brings it up in almost every conversation we have, in one way or another, is a pretty good indication.
She hasn't (surprisingly) asked a lot of details; she was comforted that you can sort for things like height and eye color, and that seems to be more or less enough information for her. She's just very, very interested in when I'm going to select someone.
Now, I won't lie. I've played around online, sorting and selecting and reading whatever free information is available. But there's just no sense in doing anything else (and certainly no point in putting up money) until I know if everything is OK from the hysteroscopy. The earliest I'll know that is about a week and a half into my next cycle, and that's a couple of weeks away. (I'll need another saline ultrasound. OH HAPPY JOY.)
When I go for that, I'll ask for information on timing and all that stuff, and then I'll get serious.
Oh, and if you're interested: my base criteria are:
::shrug:: So much is nurture, not nature, but you want to give the kid whatever advantages you can.
Relative to anonymity, or a donor that they can find when they reach a certain age? I'm not 100% on either side. There are far, far more available anonymous donors, so that may end up deciding the issue for me. But I'm leaning towards an identifiable donor. I know so many adopted people that can't find one or both of their birth parents, and it's a gaping hole for many of them. I don't know that I want to do that to my child, should I have one.
** **
I actually went to the gym tonight. Since being at home, these days, means missing my little Vertigo Dog and feeling like my house isn't a home at all, I'm trying to find ways to stay out of the house. The gym is a good, healthy alternative.
I made it to the gym partly because I'm extra sad today, and knew the exercise would help. A good friend left today to move south. I'm so excited for her, and I know perfectly well we'll keep in touch, but her departure is just something else that I need to work through. My issues, let me show you them.
I feel it's time for popcorn now.
She hasn't (surprisingly) asked a lot of details; she was comforted that you can sort for things like height and eye color, and that seems to be more or less enough information for her. She's just very, very interested in when I'm going to select someone.
Now, I won't lie. I've played around online, sorting and selecting and reading whatever free information is available. But there's just no sense in doing anything else (and certainly no point in putting up money) until I know if everything is OK from the hysteroscopy. The earliest I'll know that is about a week and a half into my next cycle, and that's a couple of weeks away. (I'll need another saline ultrasound. OH HAPPY JOY.)
When I go for that, I'll ask for information on timing and all that stuff, and then I'll get serious.
Oh, and if you're interested: my base criteria are:
- Tall (counteract my short genes)
- Compatible blood type
- A bit on the skinny side (again with the counteracting)
- Medium complexion (match up with me)
- Straight or just wavy hair (give the child a chance!)
- A medical history that doesn't make me cringe
::shrug:: So much is nurture, not nature, but you want to give the kid whatever advantages you can.
Relative to anonymity, or a donor that they can find when they reach a certain age? I'm not 100% on either side. There are far, far more available anonymous donors, so that may end up deciding the issue for me. But I'm leaning towards an identifiable donor. I know so many adopted people that can't find one or both of their birth parents, and it's a gaping hole for many of them. I don't know that I want to do that to my child, should I have one.
** **
I actually went to the gym tonight. Since being at home, these days, means missing my little Vertigo Dog and feeling like my house isn't a home at all, I'm trying to find ways to stay out of the house. The gym is a good, healthy alternative.
I made it to the gym partly because I'm extra sad today, and knew the exercise would help. A good friend left today to move south. I'm so excited for her, and I know perfectly well we'll keep in touch, but her departure is just something else that I need to work through. My issues, let me show you them.
I feel it's time for popcorn now.
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