Heading out tomorrow for Turkey Day with the family. I hope everyone has a wonderful, safe, tryptophan-laden holiday.

Unnatural Redhead

After doing a bunch of research, I finally gave in and colored my hair this morning, using the least chemical-y kind of hair color I could find, which means it's one of those 30-day type colors. I look very red now-- I have so much grey that the dark red-brown I picked can't possibly make it dark red-brown.

Whatever. It's better than looking like a skunk, thanks.

** **

I felt very punk yesterday. So far today I feel fine, but then I felt fine yesterday morning and it went downhill from there; I'm hoping it was a one-shot deal. Seriously, I got almost nothing done yesterday, and if there's two days in a row of that, my house will descend into total anarchy.

** **

Various people I know have watched the Canadian television show Slings and Ar.rows, and all have recommended it. I've just not gotten around to requesting it from Netf.lix, but this week a friend brought the DVDs over and I watched the first two episodes.

I am totally hooked. It's the story of a theatre company, and all the people and personalities and conflicts that involves. It's got wonderful dialogue, extremely strong performances (Paul Gros.s is terrific, and from what I hear many of the other actors get a chance to shine as the series progresses), a terrific sense of humor, and it's just plain smart. I love smart television. (I also love theatre, so looking at it from the backstage view is a treat.)

It's three seasons of six episodes each, so it's not a huge time commitment. I'm looking forward to devouring the rest.

When does the grass get greener?

I keep thinking that work is going to get better. We "merged" (in other words, we were bought) earlier this year, and much of this fall has been spent wrangling with new policies, new people, aligning our support with their expectations, and trying very hard not to smack anyone upside the head. (That last one may just be me.)

I had to let a friend go today as part of the ongoing staff reductions. In my job, this happens. It happens more than I'd like. But afterwards, I felt like a balloon with all the air let out of it-- limp, drab, exhausted. At a loss for words.

I guess I felt just a little heartbroken: that this is what it's come to at this funny, quirky, sometimes frustrating, always interesting little company I worked for, that's now part of a larger organization: it's only about the numbers.

I know that's business. I know that's how it is. And it's good that I remember it, if only to protect myself. But it still hurts.

I went into my (former) boss's office afterwards and just sat down. "I need a break," I told him. "We just talked to D, and I can't be in my office right now." And he took one look at me and brought up another, less wretched topic, and for five minutes I didn't think about it. It was nice. He's a really good guy, and we take care of each other, I think. I'm lucky in that.

Earlier in the week, I was told by the purchasing organization they love me, they really want me to stay, they think I'm critical to the success of the region, that they want to work with me to make sure I'm in a role I enjoy and find challenging... and they're giving me more than a 10% pay cut so I'm aligned with the rest of the organization.

It wasn't a surprise. But it was still demoralizing.

** **

My best friend's mother passed away unexpectedly last week, so one night this week I made the trek down to the funeral home to pay my respects. I've known Friend and her mom for over 25 years; I'm godmother to Friend's daughter. I probably knew almost as many people at the funeral home as the family did.

Family isn't just blood. Thank goodness.

I'm worried about Friend. She was holding up beautifully, but her relationship with her mother was never smooth, and had been especially rough recently. Losing someone when you have unresolved issues is not easy. Ever. And as wonderful as Friend's husband is (and he is), a woman's relationship with her mother is something only other women can really understand.

I'm going down to help clear out the house soon-- possibly this weekend, but more likely after Thanksgiving-- and I need to make sure I keep in extra close touch with her. When she needs to talk, I will be there.

** **

Tomorrow night, a (different) friend is practicing cooking for me, and I'm crashing at her place so we can watch the deleted scenes/outtakes of a particular movie that I shall not admit to here for fear of outing myself as a complete and total geek.

If I wasn't knocked up, there would be serious drinking. As it is, I'm just hoping I stay awake long enough to not be insulting. (It just hit 10 p.m. here and I'm amazed I'm still upright. Pathetic.)

Have good weekends, all.

We always want what we cannot have

I desperately wanted sushi tonight. I can't have it, damn you uncooked fish, so I went to Whole Paycheck and got some veggie sushi. It was fine. It was just not what I really wanted. I want sushi. Whine.

(Yes, my diamond shoes are too tight.)

I also want to dye my hair; I look like a skunk. Must find out earliest possible moment when dying hair is OK.

FYI, I was also craving cole slaw. Whole Paycheck's tailgate slaw is terrible. Don't bother.

** **

Things continue to progress along. I hit seven weeks yesterday, and the little parasite looks just as it should. I can even see a little rapid heartbeat. (The joy of being a high-risk IVF patient: early ultrasounds.)

The ultrasound tech (who I like very much) asked this morning if I was "taking pictures," offering to take an extra shot for me. I said no without really thinking about it. Later, I realized I should probably have said yes.

I'm the worst pregnant woman ever.

I do not feel the least bit of connection to this pregnancy yet; I'm still mostly stunned that it actually worked. I do not think of it as a baby; it's just an embryo at this point, and that's how I think of it. It's cells. See above, where I call it a parasite. I am not sentimental in the least-- which, for those of you reading this who know me, is probably a surprise; I'm a big sap. But not about this.

(I'm sure that some of this is probably self-protection; seven weeks is still a long way from out of the woods, odds-wise.)

There's a woman on one of my lists who has gone through so many different procedures to try to get pregnant that it's heartbreaking. "Nothing sticks," she says. And here's me. Something stuck, and I'm entirely clinical about it. Should I be all sappy and grateful? Should I be over the moon?

Maybe. But that's not me.

As I've said before, I'll get there. But not yet. Until then, you can feel free to call me the Worst Pregnant Woman Ever.

(For the record, this experience has made me even more firmly pro-choice than I was already. At some point, I'll write a post about it. And if you end up finding this post through a search and want to post some anti-choice crap in the comments, consider yourself warned that I will delete it. This is not a democracy.)

Symptoms

As mentioned in the last post, I don't have morning sickness. Or any kind of sickness, really. Sometimes during the day I'll feel a little queasy, but it passes. My mom told me she never had any kind of morning sickness, so I'm hoping I take after her. If I had to get her tendency to gain weight, it would be only fair to get the non-barfy from her as well.

I'm tired all the time-- but honestly, this time of year I'm tired anyway. With the time change and the darkness and all that, I'm always extra sleepy. I have noticed that even though my mad love for Jon Ste.wart means I want to watch him every night, sometimes I can't seem to stay awake.

(Fortunately, there are reruns.)

The only other thing I've noticed-- and this is going to sound uber-strange-- is that I smell different. Not stinky (I hope), but different. Almost... sweet citrusy? It's weird. I haven't changed body lotions or soaps or shampoos or anything, so I think it's just a change in body chemistry.

I haven't noticed it today, actually, but it's been the one consistent thing that I noticed even before I got the test results back.

Very odd.

Off to enjoy what is probably one of the last beautiful weekends of the fall.

Well, hey there

So I haven't updated in a while. My apologies. But if I come back, at least I'm bearing interesting news.

Guess who's pregnant?

I am not counting on anything yet. Based on how they calculate things, I'm only just six weeks pregnant, and at my age that's way too early to get excited. My odds are still terrible. I've told some friends, and my parents, but no one is allowed to tell anyone else until (and if) I hit at least eleven weeks. (Assuming my belly doesn't give me away sooner.) I won't feel safe until then. I probably won't feel all that safe then, but at least it'll be closer to safe.

The odds of success on my first IVF, at my age, were absolutely miniscule (and, as noted above, continue to be not great), and I am weirded out by the fact that it worked at all. I am a statistical anomaly of epic proportions. Should this go all the way, I am going to make my clinic's SART stats look gooood.

I think the absolute improbability of this is contributing to the fact that I don't feel all glowy and happy and full of loooove the way pregnant women are supposed to feel. I'm mostly crabby, actually, which then leads to me feeling guilty and ungrateful, and then that leads to buying a pumpkin scone from Star.bucks.

There are women, single and married, who have tried over and over-- IUI, IVF, everything else-- who can't get it to work. I go in once, take my one shot before I lose insurance coverage, and... huh? I should be more grateful. And I know I'll get there, should I need to get there. But until then, I'm looking at this with skeptical optimism.

Massive statistical improbability. That's me.

At least I'm not barfy. That's something.

So. Anything new with YOU?