Tuesday, November 17, 2009

We always want what we cannot have

I desperately wanted sushi tonight. I can't have it, damn you uncooked fish, so I went to Whole Paycheck and got some veggie sushi. It was fine. It was just not what I really wanted. I want sushi. Whine.

(Yes, my diamond shoes are too tight.)

I also want to dye my hair; I look like a skunk. Must find out earliest possible moment when dying hair is OK.

FYI, I was also craving cole slaw. Whole Paycheck's tailgate slaw is terrible. Don't bother.

** **

Things continue to progress along. I hit seven weeks yesterday, and the little parasite looks just as it should. I can even see a little rapid heartbeat. (The joy of being a high-risk IVF patient: early ultrasounds.)

The ultrasound tech (who I like very much) asked this morning if I was "taking pictures," offering to take an extra shot for me. I said no without really thinking about it. Later, I realized I should probably have said yes.

I'm the worst pregnant woman ever.

I do not feel the least bit of connection to this pregnancy yet; I'm still mostly stunned that it actually worked. I do not think of it as a baby; it's just an embryo at this point, and that's how I think of it. It's cells. See above, where I call it a parasite. I am not sentimental in the least-- which, for those of you reading this who know me, is probably a surprise; I'm a big sap. But not about this.

(I'm sure that some of this is probably self-protection; seven weeks is still a long way from out of the woods, odds-wise.)

There's a woman on one of my lists who has gone through so many different procedures to try to get pregnant that it's heartbreaking. "Nothing sticks," she says. And here's me. Something stuck, and I'm entirely clinical about it. Should I be all sappy and grateful? Should I be over the moon?

Maybe. But that's not me.

As I've said before, I'll get there. But not yet. Until then, you can feel free to call me the Worst Pregnant Woman Ever.

(For the record, this experience has made me even more firmly pro-choice than I was already. At some point, I'll write a post about it. And if you end up finding this post through a search and want to post some anti-choice crap in the comments, consider yourself warned that I will delete it. This is not a democracy.)

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